Watching your parents tell embarrassing stories about things you said or did in front of the congregation. “You look just like your father/mother.” Your only friends are the ones you make at church.
These are some of the things I have experienced as a PK. However, not many know how growing up in the shadow of my parents affected me mentally and spiritually. Without my parents, who was I? Were my friends even really “my friends”? Why couldn’t I seem to connect with God at the same level as my parents?
These burning questions built up a fear that clouded my identity in Christ and led me down a lonely path riddled with anxiety and doubt about who I was.
“Since I’m a PK, others think I must be biblically knowledgeable, so I feed into that. Since I’m a PK, they think I’m innocent, so I either act like that or try to prove them wrong.”
We’re placed into these boxes that feed into the persona of a PK, when in reality, we don’t even know who we are in Christ or where to begin looking. What the congregation may not know is how these assumptions about our identity affect our search for purpose and identity in Christ.
They don’t know that sometimes you get lectured by dad the “Pastor,” not just dad. They don’t know that lately serving has felt more like a Sunday job or something pushed by your parents. This may not be apparent to the congregation or to friends at church — and often, not even to your own parents.
It’s hard living life not knowing why I read the Bible, why I go to church, or why I believe what I believe apart from my parents. My parents are the foundation of who I am. If I’m not like them, then who am I?
Questions and thoughts like these lead us to believe that we are our parents, that we will grow up just like them. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Although it may be difficult to see or understand, I am not my parents — my experiences have shaped me too.
I may have grown up with them in the church, but I have my own unique spiritual experience that separates me from them and brings me closer to Him. And for that reason, I have my own journey toward my identity in Christ — different from the one they had.
We tend to ignore being a PK as just one part of who we are and instead treat it as if it defines us entirely. This causes us to feed into the stigma and the pressure to perform, to “act” like we know our purpose, and to stay silent when it feels like we have parents — the “Pastors” — both at home and at church.
One of the biggest questions for me was: “How can I not feed into this while still trying to figure out who I am?”
As a PK, I have struggled and wrestled with my purpose and with the expectations I place on myself. A consistent trend I see is that many PKs seem to endure the worst before they begin to understand and grow in the Lord. I hate that this is sometimes what it takes, but often it feels that way. However, I’m here to say that this destructive cycle can end before it reaches that point.
One of the main things that has helped me in reconnecting with Christ is constantly asking myself, “Why do I have a relationship with Him?”
The answer might be because your parents are pastors — and that’s okay. But you need to go deeper and ask yourself, “What experiences in my life have brought me closer to Him?”
That’s your reason for following Him — not because of your parents, but because of what you have personally experienced. Because you can look back and say, “This is what He brought me out of.”
For me, it was realizing that what I felt wasn’t always factual — that there is concrete truth that contradicts my feelings. That He is the only one who can lead me out of the tunnel of anxiety. And when I get stuck in that tunnel, I remind myself that He led me out before — so why wouldn’t He do it again?
I’m also reminded of how much I relate to Peter. Life is good, I’m walking with God, and suddenly I get distracted by the gusts of anxiety. I begin to sink — but just as the Lord immediately reached out and grabbed Peter, He reaches out and holds me too.
I’m wailing, and God is literally telling me, “Dude, chill. I’ve got you. Why would I ever let you sink? Why would you doubt what I can do — and what I can bring you out of?”
Let your identity be defined by Him
Something else that has helped me is letting the One who created me define me. Going back to the Word and letting it speak truth over who I am. You might not believe it in the moment, but the more you repeat it, the more it becomes part of your identity.
Just as negative thoughts and feelings can start to feel real (“I’m useless,” “I’ll never get over depression or anxiety”), the same is true of the Word: I am loved (Ephesians 3:19). He is in control (Jeremiah 29:11). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). These are concrete truths rooted and grounded in His solid, unchanging Word.
Finally, you have a story to tell. It may not be clear right now, but God will use your experiences as a PK as part of your calling. I once thought I would always live in the shadow of my parents, until I realized that God is using my personal experiences, my unique gifts, and my individuality for a greater purpose — something bigger than me.
Understanding and questioning what I believe and why I believe it allowed me to get here. It’s what brought me to this moment in my life — using my testimony to reach other PKs. One of the verses I continually return to — the one that shapes my identity — is Jeremiah 29:11. God knows the plans He has for me — not my parents. His plans for you are specifically and uniquely designed for you.
There is power in being a PK, and until you realize that, the label “PK” will continue to hang over your head. I’m not saying you should embrace it as your identity — I’m saying recognize it as part of your story and your journey toward identity in Christ.
You were made for more. Don’t let a title or a label define how God will use you or who you will become. We are change-makers. We are agents of faith.
Use it. (1 Timothy 4:12)